The holidays can be a great time to pause. During a time of war and revolution in the world, we may find solace in turning inward. Creating space this holiday season to nurture YOU can be one of the best gifts that you give to everyone on your list.
As I write this, I am coming off of a series of exchanges, phone calls, and general observance of the holidays and how it is affecting some of my favorite people who I know. I see the stress. The strain in familial relationships. The priorities being skewed by continuity of relationships.
These familiar times can pose mental health triggers that are not always easy to navigate.
My own experience.
I come from a Southern family which holds grudges and has a history of family splits. Splits not of the marrying kind of divorce, but of the the sibling and cousin type. It happens.
After moving to the West Coast keeping relationships close to the chest from afar, I have found these quarrels to be resonant of all cultures. I often thought it was hillbilly upbringing that meant people had trouble developing relationship. But it simply isn’t true. Every family has its flaws.
At this time of year, if you find protecting yourself from harm of a quarrelsome family is needed. Take care to protect your mental health. Spend time over the next few months considering the ease of navigating family relationships this way.
Does the ease help you? Does it help others? Prioritize your needs and be mindful of the days to come when forgiveness feels right.
“Forgiveness is everything.”
Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton’s America Podcast by NPR
Protecting ourselves.
When family or even friend relationships are split this way, we can find the protection mode to help us better navigate our own perspective. It can help us to refrain from over-socializing with folks who criticize, take the wind out of us, or are simply inconsiderate. Sometimes, we may feel that we need to keep up our guard in an ongoing way.
However, sometimes, we can reach a point of awareness that the hurtful spurs said and done by others are representative of a hurt person. Those who are hurt know not how to be otherwise. It is a space of homeostasis. Healing hasn’t been the salve for them to feel better, hurting others has.
Offering compassion and a resilient mindset can be the best antidote to hurtful actions by someone you know. Sometimes there is no way to avoid people who are unsavory — especially when we are related or married or partnered into the family.
In these times, it can be the ultimate gift to those around you who connect you to these mean people to be mindfully present and overlook the nuisance of the rude or hateful person. This requires a lot of preparation and mindfulness practices. To look beyond the hurt person (who has experiences that are not known) is a working angle toward forgiveness.
Why does this matter?
There may be a day when you need to work alongside these mean people to resolve a family member’s illness or death. Sorting out issues well ahead of this kind of experience would be a wise action to take. When you are ready to do so, of course.
There may be a day when you need to ask these mean people a favor to help you sort out business for a family member. Having the foresight to understand these inevitable future happenings takes some personal experience.
During the holidays, things can become blurry with sparkling lights, overindulgence, and busy days. Having some reflection about how to handle uncomfortable conversations and people can be the work that is needed to bring joy to others. Those who see these relationships that are split are suffering alongside you.
Uncomfortable silences.
It is awkward to be a bystander and supporter of helping others hold a grudge. It becomes the thing that isn’t discussed. We walk around the topic. Quietly we hope that the bearers of the grudge will become aware of how helpful it would be to rise above and let go of old quarrels.
However, the feelings are real. They sustain in a raw way the longer we keep the quarrels alive. I understand from personal experience the jagged crevasse that can be created by years of misunderstanding.
The other part to this, is sometimes it is necessary, but there is a loss for you and everyone around you. When consistent hurt happens and reconciliation is not possible, the best way to help is to remove yourself from the experience of the person. Again, there is a loss in this way.
“Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now
In living every day”
Duality of mean & misunderstood.
The duality of experience is complicated and in no way are we able to fully understand another person’s experience. However, during this holiday season, try to rise above to give the elders in your life a joyful experience with you. This is the best gift you can give another person, the gift of time.
Giving yourself the time to heal for as long as you need can be deeply supportive with a mindfulness practice. Taking the time to notice the wind in the air, the soap that you feel sliding along the dishes that you are washing, and the simple pleasure of nuzzling your furry pet can be the stepping stone to becoming more aware of your feelings and releasing the tension around feelings of hurt.
Mindfulness helps to give way to a very real experience. When we can see deeper into the minutiae of life, we transcend the appearance of reality’s experience. It is then that we can have a perspective of the connectivity of your feelings and the feelings of everyone involved.
We begin to see things in a spiritual regard and have a better understanding that people who harm are hurt in ways that you may never understand.
Softening into the reality of another person can remove the protections that were once needed, to feel deeply for that person.
Resilience is cultivated with every act of mindfulness. Eventually, we find that our strength can build our own personal leadership. Strength is attractive and energetically can benefit those who are weak and hurting.
Skilled resilience.
Becoming skilled with new resilience and strength is honed through a dedicated mindfulness practice. Energetically, you are cultivating a super-power inside of yourself. This takes time. It’s worth the investment of time.
With keen awareness about the world around you, you better understand yourself and you begin to have a better sense of humor. You take things lightly. You see the community connections in all that you do, including holding grudges.
What happens when you are strong in your resilience is that you are able to fortify your strength with new experiences. You are better able to step into social situations with the person who you hold a grudge toward. It becomes manageable.
With a dedicated mindfulness practice, eventually, you can move past resentments. You can even chalk up the old grudge as a something from past behavior and move on without a great deal of hashing out.
In the end, the mindfulness practice is a great investment of time, as we have all heard the time heals all wounds. In the way of the grudge-holding, it is indeed true.
If you need help establishing a mindfulness practice, I have an Ayurveda program beginning in the new year to help you flourish in your experience, including this kind of inter-personal work to relate to the world with a revived mindset to flourish in your mind, body, and soul. Click below to learn more:
